There’s an interesting tendency of the human condition on the process to becoming mature

  • When you’re pretty new to activity you gobble up all of the available information. This is the sponge phase.
  • Once you get passed the sponge phase, you hit the hubris stage. You think you have it all figured out, and no one can tell you otherwise what you do and don’t know even if they more experience than you. You believe that one size fits all. Many people never leave this phase of learning because their pride is so great.
  • If you happen to make it out of the hubris stage you enter a stage of humility. You realize in fact that you don’t know everything and that you want to be committed to learning more. You start to begin to understand the nuances of particular situations and how certain things may not apply to broad spectrum situations.
  • Finally, you enter the maturity stage. You know what you know because it works. You can modify information or advice to a give person in their individual situation because you have experience. But you’re still also open to being able to learn from others and accept criticism where indicated.

You see this all the time in every area imaginable. For example,

In the area of nutrition: someone starting to get into Paleo will start to read up on everything. Once they know most everything they think there is to know, they preach Paleo and only Paleo and how it will work for everyone no exceptions. Then if they are able to move on they start to admit that there’s a lot they don’t know about human gut health and individual conditions. Then after that they have obtained enough information and experience to actually problem solve the tough cases.

In the area of training/fitness: Someone starting with a program such as Starting Strength will start to read up on everything. Once they know barbells they think they know everything there is to know about training. However, they will hit the phase where the complexity of constructing programs overwhelms them and they feel like they know nothing. After they mature, though, they are able to tailor advice to all ability levels and different situations.

Likewise, I see the same thing in the manosphere. Aside from the stages of grief model (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) there is a similar line of thought that occurs in terms of relationship to women.

Men who take “the red pill” will gobble up all of the available information and start to implement it. However, they will start to move into the hubris stage. For instance, even if you’ve moved into the “acceptance” phase of grief you may be still stuck in the hubris phase of learning. An example of this is the stubborn clinging persistance to the idea that “all women are like that” (AWALT). The fact that it is a good generalization means there are indeed exceptions, but there is a stubborn denial that anything else could be the case.

Once a man is able to mature, he is more able to appreciate the hard work and discipline that women take so that they are NAWALT just as men can overcome feminist society and churchianity in order to become masculine men.

Evolving desires

Now, the main reason I have chosen to write this post is because of evolving desires in what I look for in a wife. Previously, I had posted this list in what I look for in evaluating a potential wife, and a brief glimpse at the process of understanding that lists are just lists in the change.

Evidence of a relationship with God — daily Scripture, prayer, meditation, and service in the Church or community. A heart that is seeking after God and is fruitful in it with her actions.

Evidence of cultivated godly femininity — long hair, dresses modest, wears dresses and skirts, smiles often, enthusiastic, kind, gentle, humble, preferably knows how to keep a home and cook, etc.

Evidence of chastity in attitude and deed — Christian men and women are called to this prior to marriage, and I’m uninterested in having to deal with the drama that surrounds a woman that has had previous intimacy with other men. I’d readily consider a low N-count woman who has shown though her actions and attitude that she has repented (and not just feels bad about what she did) over a virgin Christian woman who has done everything but sex.

Evidence of attraction/chemistry — I work in the medical and fitness industries, and it is important for me to have a wife who is a good ambassador for Christ in how she looks. I’ve dated women before who don’t care about good nutrition and exercise, and it never ends well because this is an integral part of my life. A woman who strives to be attractive even though it takes work is going to be a better ambassador for Christ than one who gives in to sloth and gluttony. This goes both ways as my potential wife should be attracted to me too.

Evidence of a willingness for family prioritization — God willing I hope to have many children (3-5+) and am looking to home school them. I don’t care if my wife has a career, but she should be willing to lay it aside for her family. Age is not a primarily consideration for me, but since I want to have many children younger is better.

Evidence of submissiveness, especially to God  — This pretty much sums up a Biblical marriage in that it encompasses the 3 major roles that a wife is called to: a helpmeet, with submission, and with respect. I tell women that my God given mission will put me in uncomfortable discussions and challenges, and if she’s coming along with me then it will be more of the same. If you’re not growing in your heart, mind, soul, and strength for Christ then what are you doing?

It’s a 6 point list and honestly I can’t find anything that I would say is super wrong with it aside from what most feminists would say.

However, I can say that most of the above list would be preferences rather than requirements aside from a relationship with God and physical attraction/chemistry. God is obvious, but the lifestyle that comes with good nutrition and fitness is important because that is part of my mission. My helpmeet would need to be able to assist me in that, and if she has a similar vision in terms of business opportunities or hobbies I would be willing to help her build on that as well. We are one, and we work as one.

All of the rest — chastity, family prioritization, submissiveness to me, godly femininity — are preferred but not required. The power of God is there to change minds for those that are willing and almost everything else falls underneath of that.

For example, do I desire a SAHM like many others in the manosphere (although I didn’t note that on the list above)? No, I can’t say I do. I don’t want a woman who is committed to her career over family, but I’m also not averse to a wife who wants to work outside the home. I have a flexible job that may allow me to stay at home with children if need be, and I want to spend a lot of time with any children I have.

Do I really care about homeschooling that much that it’s a dealbreaker? No, I don’t. I think it’s generally preferable at least through the first ~7-10 years of life so as to instill godly values, but I’m not averse to putting my potential children into public school because we are called to be in the world though not of the world. (Note: ~6-7 years of age is the point by which most children develop their core personality that they carry with them for life).

Of course, that requires me to also be firm and confrontational to the children about why we disagree with many of the things taught in school. Most parents don’t take the time to teach their children aside from “because I said so” which is not a good reason. Why is chastity a good thing before marriage? You should be able to answer this question with science and logic including Scriptural support.

Likewise, is chastity a must? I would say no, but of course we should all still be aware of the risks of women with too many partners. Repentance is clearly a big factor. However, none of us are without fault in one way or another.

Do I want a pushover wife? Haha, no way. I actually tend to mesh well with a moderate amount of sassiness from a woman. I’m not looking for someone who doesn’t push back against me when I hip check her. However, I’m also not looking for a woman who will take sassiness to the extreme in that she gets upset over such things.

I suppose my point is that as I have moved passed the “hubris” stage into the humility and beyonds stages that I have admit that I have much to learn, so I need to be more open to what God can work in my life.

Of course, I can keep praying that my wife meet all of these preferences and that would be good, but the door should be open because God allows things to happen and I want to be on His side and not my own side.