One reader wrote to me about some hardship with the anger phase. I’m going to go through the e-mail and address it. This should be helpful kick in the butt, hopefully, for many men not just the e-mailer.
So I’ve been following you and Dalrock and other blogs as of late. I’m slowly weaning from the non-Christian blogs (secular they may be but unfortunately, they seem to have a lot of dark truths). Since I’ve emailed you once, I wanted to email you again.
I eliminated most of the non-Christian blogs I read almost a year ago. It was a good choice. The tangible anger and bitterness you can palpably feel from the vast majority of non-Christian blogs does eventually start to weigh on you. It is similar to peer pressure in a way. If you’re around people who smoke all the time you’ll eventually start to feel like you should be smoking too. I also went the route of eliminating most of the blogs of Christian women that I read. Initially, when I first started reading the manosphere almost 2.5-3 years ago, a balanced perspected was good to know what both men and women thought about the detrimental effects on society. However, I noticed that eventually I started to gravitate to commenting more on such women’s blogs because I felt more comfortable there. Women tend to put a more welcoming atmosphere, and it is not as harsh as more of the men blogs. I realized this was problematic because if you are not conditioned to the way men challenge each other then you will naturally want to gravitate toward women who are more socially accepting. This is not how you become a Christian masculine man. We’re not here to gain other humans’s approval but to do the will of the Father. It’s much like repentance. You gotta do the 180.
I need to know how to get out of the anger phase of ‘taking the red pill’ so to speak. I’m stuck in it. I feel like I need to be this pinnacle of perfection all the time and every time I stammer or break eye contact with a female, it’s another giant red X on their mental checklist. I feel overwhelmed and I have no outlet to express it. I don’t feel like I hate women but I do dislike the male-female social dynamic and how I was made to be a sucker and a loser for so long. Not just by their actions but by my ignorance/shortcomings socially.
Going back to the analogy of repentance, the anger phase is akin to not doing the 180 but to doing a 90 degree turn. You were headed exactly in the wrong direction — you were deceived by society and maybe even your family and the church — about what God says in the Scriptures. For full repentance you need to do the 180 and walk out of deception in the opposite direction to life and life abundantly in Jesus. However, instead of making a 180 degree turn you instead made a 90 degree turn. You know you weren’t going in the right direction, but now you’re still going in the wrong direction walking parallel to the evil you now see. Part of the problem is that you still care too much about the approval of women. There is a desire that is innate in men created by God which drives us to value women: we have a sex drive and we want to be providers and protectors. We want to make sure our women are happy. This is not a bad desire, but it is coerced by our gynocentric culture into a reversal of roles and responsbilities. As I’ve noted before, human societies operate primarily on performance based mindsets versus desire based mindsets. You feel that you have to “perform” for a woman to get her to like you. When you don’t “perform” such as meeting eye contact you feel like a “failure.” If you examine this mindset spiritually it’s taking cues from culture rather than from God. You’re essentially saying to yourself that your self worth is based in your performance or ability to attract a woman. You’re implicitly rejecting God’s value of your worth and instead valuing society’s worth over yourself. This is not good.
I primarily was raised by women–my dad was around but my parents split when I was in 10th/11th grade. Just recently last year, he passed away due to heart failure. We were never really close and now I regret not having a stronger bond with him. I think other than my natural personality, being raised in a predominantly feminine environment made me incomplete. I can’t cry or scream because that’s letting my emotions get to me. I suppose I should pray but there’s a voice in my head that tells me my prayers suck and I’m just going to sin again anyway so by bother praying. I’ve got no interest in quitting my faith. I guess I just needed someone to talk to.
Incomplete? Hah, by what measure? Society? Don’t make me laugh. The past does not define who you become. The past only shows how broken we are, and how much we need a savior. You’re at a good point. God loves a good redemption story. That’s what the vast majority of the Scriptures are all about. Redemption stories. People that were in desperate situations that needed a Savior. Luke 18:9 And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt: 10 “Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ 13 But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be [f]merciful to me, the sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Ignore the voice via 1 John 4. It’s demonic. God doesn’t love elaborate prayers but prayers that come from the heart. You’d be hard pressed to say that the tax collector was not emotional here: he’s beating his breast and probably wailing in sorrow at his state before God. While I still think you need to temper your emotions with women in some cases, you can display your emotions before God in prayer, alone time, and meditation any time. The Scriptures are clear that it’s OK to get angry and express it to God. It is fine to question your situation with God. But it’s not alright to blame God for it, even if He does allow things to happen. God loves the truth, and if the truth is you expressing your emotions to Him that’s great. I’ve had a couple times in my life in the past few years over some situations like there where I have had to take it to God with my emotions. He answers the frustration, the hurt, the anguish, and the bitterness with grace, and mercy, and peace. This is the thing that I think many Christians do not understand. You’d be hard pressed to say there’s not a ton of physical and emotional hardship in the Psalms. David had some really bad experiences in his life with many people wanting to kill him. Yet, he expresses it through music, writing, and other physical acts or outbursts to God, and it is incoporated into Scripture. Job’s situation is pretty terrible too. However, almost all of the Psalms like this are a story: they first reflect on the negative situation; however, they almost always revert to reframing their thinking on how powerful God is and what He can do in the situation. This is what we need to do more of in our daily lives.
So far, my plan is to not get romantically involved with anyone. Regardless, I’m going to encounter women every day. I need to get rid of my feelings of anxiety/anger towards them–the ones I’ve never met and the ones that have wronged me. I need a godly view and attitude so I can get over this thing. I’m at work and I’m typing this and I feel overwhelmed.
Correct, it would be unwise to engage women at this point if you are not fully grounded in the Word yourself. The answer lies in the ability to reframe your thinking from worldly to godly. This will likely be difficult at first since you don’t have much experience with it. It will require going to God in prayer, praise, meditation, fasting, and the Scriptures. Part of this process is learning to empty your mind of expectations and thoughts and to live in the moment when talking with other people. My goal is not “attraction” but rather to help others grow in the Word. If “attraction” is at the forefront then you have made an idol of it already. The more I help others grow in the Word the stronger my leadership abilities grow, the stronger I can more easily facilitate social interaction, and the stronger and more confident I become in Him. The more I stand up for His Word as truth the more strength I gain and the more masculine I become. You start to care for Him above women. And that’s how it should be… when you take the focus off of women and place it onto Him things start falling more into alignment. Your focus shifts away from performance but to desire. If you’re not performing for women’s approval or attraction then you have nothing to be angry about because you can’t fail. There is no standard from which to falsely judge yourself. All you can do is learn how to love more.
Matthew 6:33 But [s]seek first [t]His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be [u]added to you.
The irony is that this is the “cure for anxiety.” People were worrying about food and clothes… but it also applies to women and other earthly things as well. Women can tell when you’re trying to earn their approval and it’s not attractive.
edit: Donal has a nice follow up post on this and on bitterness.
