The Three dysfunctional Captains and First officers. Part II

This is part 2 of the 3 types of dysfunctional relationship dynamics. The first part described the drunken captain and his begrudging first officer, as well as the competent captain and his neurotic passenger. This one is the captain and her husband.

I have no idea how common they are, as the married and red pill spaces were a sampling bias of men so miserable they were willing to ask the internet about their problems. I can’t judge online, because if you trusted outrage marketing on Twitter to build a statistic I would have to assume that 80% of couples are poly, 90% of men are alpha males and 103% of women are strong independent, Christian virgins and everyone is going to hell because we are both the happiest, angriest, most miserable and wealthiest we have ever been.

The point is that the dynamic of a female led relationship exits, and no one is happy for it. In Praxeology of the Dominant Male, author Ian Ironwood talks about a strong independent feminist pulling a fast one on her man by acting nice, sweet, sexually available; and most importantly,

not acting competitive

while Ian points out that it doesn’t matter what’s in her head, only what’s in her actions that matters to men. Male dominant relationships are historically the most happy and stable, so that’s the one we go with. If you’ve doubted this, pay attention and read about what the alternative looks like

The captain and her husband

There’s a misconception that guys in struggling relationships found a dud. Some damaged, broken an defective princess and if you had only vetted better you wouldn’t be where you are today. This is not necessarily true. Some guys find themselves a real catch, which ends up being the problem.

She earns more, has more friends, is hotter, or otherwise excels … guys willingly become submissive to her. It’s the male instinct of hierarchy. If you are in a group and another man is clearly better, you tend to defer to him. Since men and women have both been raised to think the genders are interchangeable, they take this natural process and apply it to their marriage.

About half of wives are the primary breadwinners in the house. While this isn’t a good thing or a bad thing, the way people adapt to it with their errant mental models make it bad. Case in point, the captain and her husband.

If you’re the kind of guy who talks about your wife like you pulled a fast one this could be you. She’s out of your league, she puts up with you, she wears the pants. You’ve stopped making decisions because she has particular tastes and it’s not worth the fight. The decisions are arbitrary and treated as if they are tablets on the Mont. She’s a vegan so you’re a vegan. She wants a dog so you want a dog. She wants another kid so you want to finally get laid. Your friends are alcoholics and bad influences and her friends are better anyways.

You still have your own achievements, and are secure enough to fill the role of husband to your captain-wife. You may be religious and adopt the term servant-leader (read: servant with a coat of man-paint.) She’s not nearly as secure in herself to be a good captain, though she may be a leader at work and confident from the outside looking in. She makes mistakes and knows it. Her insecurity manifests in all manner of unhealthy ways.

Your wife is top tier and everyone knows it. She picks the dates, fills the social calendar and you’re essentially along for the ride. She has no problems using you as an excuse why the two of you are late, and finds humor in belittling you publicly. Everyone else laughs along nervously. You’re just so happy that you’re with your 10 that you hand wave that away. You self deprecate because it gets a laugh. You don’t dare critique her because of those insecurity manifestations in the previous paragraph.

Your stress manifests physically. You may take SSRI’s for your anxiety, you’ve locked your jaw once or twice before. It’s always diagnosed as something like a General Anxiety Disorder because no one seems to be able to put the pieces together. Maybe you see hookers, subscribe to an OnlyFans site. Maybe you are having an ‘emotional affair’ (read: pen pal) with some girl online.

When you first got together your friends probably called you a lucky guy, married such an intelligent career focused woman. Your wife is so attached to some identity label (feminist, career woman, boss bitch etc.) that her singular focus and completely consumed any femininity or likability. You swallow that since you’ve been told your whole relationship how lucky you are and how you should be happy she earns the money and lets you focus on anything you want. The better she does the worse you’re treated. It’s not because she doesn’t like you. The insecurity needs an outlet. Ball busting is one of those aforementioned ways it manifests.

The situation isn’t working for you, and it certainly isn’t working for her. Unfortunately the two of you are too proud to admit that. You both pretend everything is going well. You on your medications and her drinking the stress away. You’re on a lavish vacation though so it is all good.

The moment you attempt to address your malaise, your lack of direction or your own insecurities the two of you butt heads. The situation was OK when it was you going along with whatever plan she had, but now that you’re an individual it shows her that insecurity in her own life. You aren’t a person in her eyes, you’re her narcissistic fantasy and she has trained herself to become a defective man. Women were told they could be anything, and she decided to be the checked out workaholic.

The smartest dogs are the easiest to train, and you are both very smart dogs. You’re both too invested in the status quo to do anything better. She doesn’t have the self awareness to realize that there’s two balls for every relationship, she has both of them and they don’t fit in girl pants. You’re don’t have the confidence or achievements in your life to step up the plate and can’t realize she’s desperate to turn off the boss bitch and walk through that door and just be a woman.

She doesn’t always have to be competent for this dynamic to manifest. A horrible childhood, a drug addiction or a drinking problem can be the cause of this just as much as wanting to be a man. Getting cleaned up will kill this as she doesn’t want a good man, she wants a crutch, an excuse, narcissistic fuel for her fantasy.

Your relationship road map is a brightly lit scoreboard. She’s constantly putting up points and you can’t beat her. You eventually learn to stop losing and put up points of your own and it makes things worse. You butt heads like two A type personalities. Your fight or flight is on overdrive and you work out to stave off anxiety as much as you do to gain any muscle mass.

Since you’re learning to be the captain of your own ship you will become a shitty first officer in hers. You’ll go from someone she doesn’t love but likes to someone who is neither. This is until you calibrate your behaviors and she accepts the framing you’ve given to the relationship, or not. You are most likely to experience something called a Main Event and give a Come to Jesus Speech which is described later. You’ll get it wrong many times before it really happens, but if and when it does it’s like the new relationship will be unrecognizable and neither of you will understand why you didn’t do this way sooner. Luckily she has the memory of a goldfish and think it was always this way. Being happy is always a thankless job.

Also, she may be fucking someone better than you and once you’re no longer her errand boy she has no need for you. It’s better to live free than to live a lie?

So you married the adult child of an alcoholic

Not every wife-captain is ultra competent. It’s not so much about the power, but the need for control. Some women are alcoholics, children of abuse, or insecure about their identities. The need to captain for them is a form of self care, a way to stave off their nagging neuroticism.

This was an old set of field reports from a pharmacist who was in our married space. His wife was in charge and enabled bad behavior. She had a drinking problem so he had to have one. She refused to let go of control so he had to cede his. He eventually made a hard decision. Be in charge of my life so that I can be a better father for the kids, or keep the status quo and be the enabler of an alcoholic.

In this case, the captain didn’t want to relinquish command, she wanted an enabler, she wanted someone to bully. When he got his life together she left. He managed to become a better father, and while he lost 50% of the control over his kids lives, he ensured that the 50% he was responsible for was raising those children to be functional adults. And the time he had to himself he filled with more and better women.

Keep this in mind. There is no guarantee with dread that you will salvage a marriage. You may find out that your relationship was dead, and dread gave you the skills and the determination to read it its last rites and move on to a better life.

Adult Children of Alcoholic syndrome is a set of common traits in people who have grown up with alcoholics or other dysfunctions. Here’s two examples in the last year:

I

My youngest got sick. My ex wife took the day off work and went to hospital with him. My oldest calls me. He’s sick but momma told him to go to school. I tell him to go listen to the first lesson then if he's not getting better, I'm calling the teachers and getting him home.

He got worse and came back home. I got a few hours off, bought him some fruits, water, over the counter meds and examined him. I contacted her about it and she freaked out. She got mad. How could I could take few hours off for my oldest son but that I did not take a day off for the youngest? She doesn't need the bottled water. My son is faking the disease, I’m no good and I can't even measure his body temperature properly!

I hung up. This isn’t worth it.

II

A female coworker got angry that I have not asked her about her opinion on getting some extra equipment for a dying patient. She berated me in front of the whole team. I whispered:

“We'll continue this talk in the office.” She wasn't having it. All she wanted was to provoke me to some emotional possibly physical reaction, in front of everybody.

Common traits: Manipulation

Believe me or not, my now ex wife has a really good situation. I left her the flat, the car, furniture and stuff. I pay sizable child support on time. I'm visiting my kids, I'm having my time with them. She also can get some support from her parents. And she's still unhappy. This time because I took my day off for the wrong child.

Perhaps, when she was growing up, this was all she had to do. Express unhappiness. Then boom, like magic, parents danced the way she wanted them to. It's a very. freeing feeling, when you finally understand that it is not your job to make other people happy.

Common traits: Provocation

All those girls wanted to provoke me, in front of people. Ex wife sent texts and decided that she won't give me kids over the weekend. My coworker attempted to get me to verbally assault her in front of peers.

That was all they could do: they tried to spark an emotional reaction.

When your parent is drunk, it is really easy to provoke him or her into aggression. But why? Oxytocin release when a parent beats you.

Then you grow up and look for the hormone of happiness by provoking your partner into hitting you. This is their brain actually re-wired to release a happiness and love hormone when they're hit.

Perhaps those girls wanted to find a weakness in my armor. Perhaps they wanted to make me appear weak and easily provoked. Perhaps they wanted an actual fight. Everything that comes next makes things worse for me and better for her. Thinking, I am the victim, please validate me.

You don't talk about the elephant in the room. If you aren't an adult child of an alcoholic you may not understand the deal with the elephant. The elephant is invisible. The moment I stopped drinking, started going to therapy, and started to openly talk about this people congratulated me.

Except my soon to be ex wife.

“You're fucked in the head, you are not an alcoholic.” Me solving my problem made their elephant visible. So there was two solutions: have a breakdown and see the elephant, or get rid of the man pointing at the elephant.

Alcoholism or overeating is the same beast in different clothes. My coworker noticed that I do over twice the amount of work she did. That’s an elephant. You must not see the elephant when you're an ACA. You must do everything to avoid seeing it.

These people aren’t savable, avoid them at all costs.

The mind of a male first officer

This is a great example of the kind of man who is the first officer to an unhappy, proud, and frustrated captain-wife. It’s a disjointed mess. It’s full of emotions, flippant knee jerk decisions, inaction, and an altogether mess of a life. When I talk about men who aren’t living life, but letting life happen to them, this is the kind of man I am referring to.