They’re NOT the same.

Readership: All
Targeted Readership: Men
Theme: Virtue
Author’s Note: This essay is based on an email exchange on 2022/12/17-18 with a reader who wishes to remain anonymous.
Length: 950 words
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Intro

Back in December 2022, LastMod questioned the value of being nice or polite, followed by some comments about whether it is at all worthwhile to be nice in this world.

Feeriker responded [expanded by Jack],

“No you don’t [‘have” to be nice].  You choose to be [nice] because it’s “general manners” as you said; or because it’s just who you are as a man.”

“This actually represents something of a dilemma. Many of us are “nice” (or more accurately, polite) because at least on a visceral level we know that [the social capital of a community and] the sustainment of a civilized society depends on such manners.

On the other hand, we also realize that the society we live in and the people who are the recipients of our politeness and good manners generally do not merit them. We see them behaving in a fashion that clearly demonstrates why society is crumbling even despite our attempts to sustain it with our good behavior and manners. So why do we bother? Mostly because we’ve convinced ourselves that even though we can do nothing whatsoever to reverse the current decline (or even make a dent in it) with our good manners, we would be hastening said decline if we succumbed to the herd’s ways.”

To be Nice, or NOT to be Nice?  That is the question.

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What is ‘Nice’?

I have noticed this confusion in Christian circles. 

Among Christians, there is a wrong teaching where goodness and kindness has been conflated with niceness.

Today, “loving your neighbor” is equated with being NICE to your neighbor. But is that GOOD?

No.  There is a difference between GOOD / KIND and NICE.

Goodness is the display of godly character, and is more specifically understood as having an array of certain fruits of the spirit such as generosity, kindness, patience, forbearance, and good will, but it also involves calling out sin and doing what is right when there is great resistance.

Kindness is the act of opening one’s heart to another in such a way that it invites the recipient to respond in kind.  It is a choice to act kind out of character and NOT simply to placate feelings.

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Nice, as LastMod intimates, has more to do with being courteous and polite.  But that’s not all.  In today’s culture, being nice has many other connotations that befit a certain overall behavior.

In the majority of cases…

  • Being nice is autopilot.
  • Being nice is altruism lite.
  • Being nice involves chivalry.
  • Being nice is being agreeable.
  • Being nice is deferring to women.
  • Being nice is pedestalizing women.
  • Being nice is a covert contract (H/T Robert Glover).

Moreover, nice is understood as being sensitive to other’s feelings.  And since women are all about the feeelz, when we say a man is nice to a woman, what this means is that he makes some effort not to “hurt her feelings”, i.e. NOT to offend her, even though she may very well have an entitled, overblown ego.

Goodness, Kindness, Love, and being Nice are NOT the same.

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Jesus wasn’t Nice!

There is another point of confusion I have noticed in Christian circles. 

Today, Christians are called to be nice first and foremost, and there is much less emphasis placed on being good.  But is this the Biblical example Jesus set?

Jesus was ALL GOOD, KIND, and GENTLE.  But Nice???

Jesus called the Pharisees snakes and vipers (Matthew 12:34; 23:33) and whitewashed tombs (Matthew 23:27-28).  That wasn’t very nice at all!

When the Canaanite woman came to Jesus for the healing of her child (Matthew 15:22-28; Mark 7:25-30), Jesus did not say a word to her but told his disciples,

“I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.”

“It isn’t right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.”

Talk about r@c!sm!  Only after she refused to take offense and instead responded humbly and wisely did Jesus grant her request.

How many young men today would feel comfortable calling an immigrant a willy w0g and then expect them to humbly persist with their entreaty before helping them out?  Heh.

Here’s another example. At the wedding in Cana, Jesus told his own mother,

“What has this concern of yours to do with me, woman?” Jesus asked. “My hour has not yet come.”

John 2:4 (CSB)

That wasn’t nice!  But Jesus’ mother’s response was to tell the servants to do everything Jesus asked.

How many young men today would feel comfortable telling their inquisitive mother, “Woman, it’s not my time”, and then expect her to comply with his wishes and tell others to do so as well?  Heh.

Then we all know the story of how Jesus made a whip, flipped over the tables, and threw the money / offering exchangers out of the Temple, calling them a den of thieves (Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-19; Luke 19:45-48; John 2:13-16).

Epilogue

Jesus wasn’t nice to businessmen, foreigners, the Jәwish religious leaders, or his own mother.  But He was always GOOD.

Furthermore, Jesus wasn’t the only Biblical character who was Good but NOT Nice.

  • Elijah confronted Ahab and Jezebel.
  • The prophets in the Old Testament foretold doom and gloom.
  • Jonah warned the people of Nineveh that in 40 days their city would be overthrown.
  • John the Baptist called the Pharisees snakes and vipers before Jesus did. (Matthew 3:7)

They were NOT being NICE, but they were GOOD.

The question of what makes them good will be covered in the next 2 posts.

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