What makes a woman sexy? Is it incompatible with faith and humility?

Readership: Men; Christian Men;
Theme: Feminine Submission
Author’s Note: The purpose of this post is to deconstruct and demystify the concept of sexiness, not to redefine it as some commenters have surmised. Revised on 2023/6/5 and 2023/11/18 to make this clearer.
Length: 1,600 words
Reading Time: 9 minutes

How Do You Perceive Women?

Last week, we discussed a few discordant concepts of humility, submissiveness, and attractiveness. Humility and submissiveness are an exceedingly rare combination of traits in a woman, and it is practically extinct among Western women, including Christians.

IMHO, we (including myself) have a poor appreciation for the distinctions between these characteristics, how it plays out in woman’s behaviors, and what it looks like IRL.

Men need to be aware of how they perceive different types of women and the effect these women have on themselves. Ask yourself, what do you see in women, and what kind of woman are you attracted to?

Here are a couple posts to help walk you through a self-analysis.

The remainder of this post is intended to help the reader walk through his own concept of sexiness.

Defining Sexy

We have a particular word that we use to describe those women who are extremely alluring to men — sexy. The dictionary defines sexy as “sexually interesting or exciting; radiating sexuality”. In Sexy (2012/2/8), Rollo Tomassi says, “Sexy isn’t always s1utty, but s1utty is always sexy” and that modern female seduction amounts to “show up naked, bring beer.” However, these concepts of sexiness are based on subjective impressions and fail to account for the personal and spiritual elements that comprise the fundamental core essence of sexiness. So let’s take a closer look at the defining traits of sexiness to see whether any of them might have any damning or redeeming qualities.

img-1783683514-6a50d9bae10487.45504572.jpgCheck yourself: Do you see sexy, or do you see bimbo?

Secular culture supports the idea that sexy is defined by a particular combination of traits. For example, Glamour had an article entitled, A New Study Redefines What’s Sexy — and Courage Really Matters (2015/1/27). The author reports a study from Jeetendr Sehdev, a branding expert and professor at USC, who questioned 10,000 men and women around the world about what makes someone sexy. The results varied by region, but overall, vulnerability was found to be the number one characteristic of sexiness. Also appearing on the list were (2) courage, (5) honesty, (7) spontaneity, (8) spirituality, and (9) passion.

The emphasis on vulnerability could be interpreted as the outward display of feminine submissiveness. The others could be summarized as a combination of trust and humility, which are the key ingredients of falling in love. Overall, the defining traits of sexiness could be roughly summed up as humble, submissive, and sultry*, but the most inherent quality of sexiness is how the total presentation appeals to male desire. In sum, it makes sense that feminine sexiness would inspire masculine desire, love, and passion.

Breaking this down reveals why, as Rollo said, “Sexy isn’t always s1utty”. For example, women like the 304s in Rock’s video are indeed alluring and sultry,* but they are sorely lacking in humility and grace. The reason why “s1utty is always sexy” is because personal attributes of humility and grace are demoted in favor of maximizing the primal appeal to male lust.

Sexiness (without s1uttiness) is extremely rare and difficult to pull off if it is not inherent to a woman’s natural personality. Very few women are truly sexy and those who are sexy are man magnets whether they want to be or not.

* Sultry: Capable of arousing passion.

Sexiness is in the Eye of the Beholder

img-1783683516-6a50d9bc4d1e88.76912360.jpgCheck yourself: Do you see sexy, or do you see an arrogant, immature, indignant, selfish tease who relishes every man’s lusty gaze?

Looking closely at individual women, each one whom we would consider sexy has a unique combination of certain traits among those mentioned in the last section, presumably a set of traits that fits her individual personality. The exact combination of traits may vary from one individual woman to another, but nevertheless, those women who possess a particular combination that “works” will find it astonishingly easy to be sensationally popular among men, and therefore have the most potential to become sex symbols, even among conservative audiences. Thus, it is not surprising to see many such women (like Abigail Shapiro, Delphine, Nita Marie, et al.) become actresses, celebrities, OnlyFans stars, well-known personalities, YouTube creators, and so on.

As stated above, the most inherent quality of sexiness is how the total presentation appeals to male interest. These specific traits are different from man to man, and so different men will find different women to be sexy. Thus, just as it is with beauty, attraction and sexiness is in the eye of the beholder. Upon self-examination, men may find that only certain combinations of specific traits in a woman can strike the chords of inspiration enough for the woman in question to make the cut to be considered sexy.

Christian men have it much more difficult in sorting out sexy in this regard, simply because some traits are conducive to marriage and family formation, while others don’t. I mean, what are the chances of finding a sexy woman who is also a humble faithful Christian? An appreciation of the rarity of such a woman helps us understand the popularity of women like Nita Marie. In her case, even if she is a fake or deceived Christian, nevertheless, she can still play on Christian men’s deep rooted fantasies of having a humble and sexy Christian gal!

img-1783683517-6a50d9bda99794.44515364.jpgCheck yourself: Do you see sexy, or do you see a (potential) sister in Christ?

Leaving aside the evo-psyche-based hallmarks of physical beauty for a moment, the important thing for a marriage minded man to do is to consider his tastes, and make some effort to be aware of which traits he finds attractive, and then review each of these traits in terms of why he finds those traits to be attractive. IOW, do a little bit of soul searching. Then he needs to pick out those traits that are most conducive to his own personality and purpose, and what would actually bring sanctification into a potential relationship. He also needs to reassess himself in terms of why he is attracted to those traits that are NOT conducive. Finally, he needs to correct his vision in how he perceives and sizes up women, so that what he “sees” lines up with what he actually believes, wants, and needs. A man might be surprised at how his tastes may change as a result of these conclusions, and how some women he overlooked before might pop up on his radar. The result would allow him to be a better picker / vetter.

What I’ve described here is essentially a repentance from The Quiet Desperation of the Autopilot; one that frees himself from the curse of lusting after Bimbofication.

A man who can effectively weed out the desires of his flesh from his convictions and the call of the Spirit will no longer be frustrated with the unsolvable dilemma of finding a salacious, sensual, sexy, sultry woman who is also a humble, faithful, submissive, Christian, virgin unicorn. He will be able to recognize this expectation as vain and oxymoronic, and will not waste time on women who will only waste his time. He will be able to recognize that a woman with traits A, B, and C, won’t necessarily give him a Christian marriage characterized by Headship (however good those traits might be), whereas a woman with traits X, Y, and Z very well could. Again, the particular combination of traits may be different from man to woman. It is the gestalt of the union that really counts towards Headship.

img-1783683519-6a50d9bfdd0f60.95386961.jpgCheck yourself: Do you see sexy, or do you see freedom in Christ?

Conclusions

Men are often ridiculed for having a double standard for women. That is, men want a woman who is seductive, sensual, sultry, and is also somehow chaste, faithful, humble, pure, and submissive. And then Christian men tack on the additional qualifier that she must also be a Christian woman who is Tingle crazy for him (i.e. Scott’s Axiom).

But Christian men do not need to be so double minded. Based on the above, Christian men are faced with the choice of what set of character traits they consider to be attractive in a woman.

  1. Will it be the meretricious, tantalizing, and voluptuous, but arrogant, foul mouthed, haughty naughty bimbo hoe who is wearing skin tight camel toe pants and who can and will suck and fvck on a dime like a pro (either real or virtual)?
  2. Will it be Glamour / Sehdev’s romantic notions of vulnerability, courage, honesty, passion… etc.?
  3. Will it be the collection of traits described in 1 Peter 3:1-6: chaste, faithful, respectful, submissive, trusting, and having a kind, gentle, quiet spirit?

As long as we continue to indulge ourselves in the first view, we are inadvertently contributing to the larger Satanic operations of Submission / Virgin Shaming (described in the first section above).

The second view is no different from the wider secular culture.

The third view is a radical socio-psychological transformation requiring the renewal of the mind and thereby carries the hope of receiving God’s grace, not only for one’s self, but for one’s progeny and community as well.

Ultimately, we will have to decide, and the sooner the better — exactly what is our concept of sexy?

Related