Humility happens when the Lady’s Libido Lights Up.
Readership: All; Men; Married Men; Marriage Minded Men;
Theme: Feminine Submission
Length: 2,000 words
Reading Time: 11 minutes
Introduction
I received an inquisitive email from a female reader who asked to remain anonymous. She brought up several questions related to the previous week’s focus on Sexual Submission (2022-10-14).
She writes,
“Your post, Validation (2022-10-11) sparked a few questions.
Obviously every man wants Validational Sex (VS) from his wife. Every woman definitely wants Validational Sex.
Question 1 — How does VS happen? You said that humility is an important part of validation. I never thought of this before I read your post because it seems counterintuitive. But after thinking it over I have to agree; validation doesn’t happen without humility. But then, how does humility happen? Is it about how much your husband / wife can make you lose control, or is it about how much you can make your husband / wife lose control?”
Your description is exactly right. Losing self-control is a key element of being humbled. The one who loses self-control is the one being humbled. During emotional and sexual intimacy, one’s true heart emerges. Outside a setting of intimate trust, this can be embarrassing or shameful, but when attraction and trust are present, it is humbling. This is essential for authentic bonding, learning, growth, and experiencing life. Also, humility is required to have a living faith, and I believe this is why it is said that God joins a husband and wife together on the marriage bed (Matthew 19:4-6; Mark 10:6-9). Ideally, both husband and wife should experience humility during sex, but it is crucial to the stability of the marriage for the wife to be humbled, as I will explain in the answer to the next question.
“Question 2 — I have noticed that a lot of my husband’s sexual satisfaction comes from ME losing control and going wild in the throes of passion, and not so much about HIM losing control. Our sexual interaction becomes hotter and wilder the more I lose control, and the more I lose control, the greater satisfaction he derives. So our sexual satisfaction is not so much about HIM getting off but the extent he can get ME off. Does that make sense? I am not a man but I suspect this is true for most husbands, not just my own.”
I would agree that your impression of what gives your husband satisfaction is true for all men. Moreover, the following is true for both men and women.
- Sex is experienced by women as Validational if the man can make her lose control.
- Sex is experienced by men as Validational if he can make the woman lose control.
The common denominator is that a woman losing control (being humbled) is what makes sex Validational for both sexes!
“Question 3 — I wonder if this desire for VS is hard wired into men — that it is not enough to satisfy him if he is getting off but not her. He needs to “take” her (past the limits of her self-control), and she needs to be “taken”. He needs to RULE over her, body, heart, mind, and soul, and to the extent SHE is getting VS from him, that is the extent to which he is RULING. If it is not VS, then she is not being humbled and so HE is not “ruling” her.”
Yes, I believe the desire for this kind of sex is hard wired into men. In fact, this is the crux of Scott’s Axiom as it relates to sexual authority — the man rules over the woman, not just in word, but also in deed, and this ruling penetrates her heart, her mind, and her loins. Too many men have underestimated the importance and the strength of this desire or have dismissed it entirely, and have thereby defaulted to The Quiet Desperation of the Autopilot (2022-10-1).
“This brings me to the next question…
Question 4 — Is VS ONLY about sexual desire?
Because if the above is true — VS is a man ruling his wife in the bedroom — then the important question is, “What leads to the VS?”
Sir deti will say it is the woman’s Sexual Attraction — and that is true — losing control is not going to happen without an intense attraction / arousal / desire. So sparks are important but it is not everything. Her humility and her willing submission also play an important part of it. If women are sexually attracted to only top 20% men, then either a man has to be in top 20% to get VS or he has to reconcile that he will never have VS. My husband is not in the top 20%, but he can give me VS anyhow, and if I’m having VS, then he’s having it too!”
The answer to this question is complex and hotly debated in the Christian Manosphere. Thedeti’s stance is the standard Red Pill stance. But personally, I’m of the opinion that although the various traits of attraction delineated by Red Pill lore (confidence, charisma, Game, HARPS, LAMPS, etc.) are certainly responsible for creating raw attraction, a man has to display dominance, or the ruling part of sexual authority that you described (in Question 3) to move a woman into damp thatch arousal territory. Without masculine authority “ruling over her”, intersexual relationships degenerate into the situation deti describes as The Unsolvable Problem of The Modern Sexual/Relationship Market (2022-2-7). BTW, this is the norm without patriarchy and I only realized this years after living in a patriarchal society in which it is not the norm (Taiwan).
Other married men have agreed with me that deti’s stance is limited to certain contexts common to gynocentric cultures and PUA subcultures, namely one in which the woman is already defiled and her expectations exceed what her SMV can draw. In this case (which is probably 85+% of the time in Western cultures), the man has to be top notch, and he has to Game her really hard and non-stop, which is exhausting for the man. And as deti et al. say, even this may not be enough. For most men in this situation, it’s a lost cause.
Outside of this context (i.e. within a patriarchal social order), when a man can rule over his wife and rein in and/or channel her emotions outside the bedroom, then it becomes all that much easier to rule over her within the bedroom. It’s like, when you restrict her passions in various ways, then her passion builds up and splurts out in the bedroom. I say this out of personal experience with my wife.
”Question 5 — As a woman I have noticed that when I ‘give’ and not ‘get’ it gives me a sense of power over my husband — to know that HE is the one being humbled by desire and not ME. HE is the one losing control and not ME. Is that control?”
Definitely! The power dynamic is determined by who loses self-control in the heat of passion. The person who is proactively leading the interaction, creating pleasure for the other, and inundating his/her soul with waves of orgasms is in the power bird position.
“Question 6 — I wonder if this ties back to Genesis 3:16 where sexual desire and control are interlinked. In other words, if I am humbled by my husband in the bedroom, then he is ruling over me. But if he is humbled by me in the bedroom, then I am ruling over him. If I am NOT humbled by my husband, then he is NOT ruling over me. If he is getting off but I am not, then he is submitting to me, and I am NOT submitting to him (at least in that respect) and that gives me power and to some extent control.”
Yes, that’s right. This is the one area in which wives may are instructed to exert authority (translated from ἐξουσιάζω, exousiazó) over their husbands, based on 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. I explained this dynamic in Sexual Authority and Sanctification (2022-8-8). I’ll add that the way the church has espoused ignorance of this matter is one of the most significant ways that the church has failed men in general, leading to a dead bedroom epidemic within the church.
“Question 7 — I think a lot of dead bedrooms are not so much lack of attraction but a CONTROL play. She can hold out by abstaining completely. But she can also hold out by refusing to lose control of her sexual passions. Either way, she is refusing to be humbled. She withholds VS and thereby exerts POWER. Would you agree?”
A brilliant observation. Yes, women can withhold sex entirely to prevent a man from having any sexual release, but she can also withhold humility and passion during sex to prevent a man from obtaining any sexual satisfaction. I would say both are sinful if done intentionally. However, men could do more to make it easier for women to open up and trust the man enough for her to lose control.
“Question 8 — How much does a man’s lovemaking skills come to play?
In your post, Erotic Blueprints and Personality (2022-10-12) you wrote,
“When I want her to have another Big O explosion, all I have to do is bite her ear or place my hands around her neck.”
In other words, the husband learns what gets his wife to lose control. He knows which buttons to push.”
Too often, the topic of “lovemaking skills” is confined to the realm of positions, procedures, and techniques. But mastering a woman’s sexual desire is much more complex than that. As I wrote in that post, it took me 2-3 years to figure her out – understanding her personality, learning to navigate her sexual blueprint, and removing any psychological barriers that made it difficult for her to become aroused.
Additional Thoughts
“…there is the concept of one flesh – when 2 virgins become 1 flesh in marriage – it is the best chance for a man to rule over his wife. The wife knows no better; she has no scale of comparison. She loses it (VS + virginity to husband). He learns what gets her to lose control (what turns her on). The more turned on she is, the more VS they both get. The more ONE FLESH they become. The more HUMBLED she is. The more he RULES over her. The more BONDED they become.”
Yes, there is also a spiritual component of sex that is closely tied to sexual authority. The blood covenant of virgin sex is intended to be God’s way of forming a one flesh bond between husband and wife, thereby molding a wife’s natural affections towards her husband and establishing his authority over her. But if Chad gets the honors, then other than the original Chad, only SuperChad Game Master can create Attraction / Arousal in her.
“All of this explains why fornication is harmful — because the wife has already been “ruled” by other men. She knows how to lose control with others, and so she knows that authority doesn’t come from her husband. She is sexually “liberated”. If the next man does not match up immediately and blow past the last man, then she moves on. There is no chance, no learning curve for him to rule her.”
Yes, a sexually liberated woman knows that being humbled, aroused, and losing control is a function of the man’s SMV prowess, and is not connected to nor related to her presumptive husband’s authoritative rule over her. Sexually liberated women are like a wild mustang — they are difficult to catch, tame, and domesticate. The sexual authority of a husband is basically destroyed when the wife has had previous sexual experiences.
Concluding Statements
As you can see, the most important element of a husband establishing sexual authority over his wife is in the act of taking her virginity on the wedding night, breaking her in for the first time, learning to master her sexual nature, and humbling her to achieve mutual Validation. As much as women may object to this characterization of masculine sexual authority and power, they deeply desire the Validating aspect of this consummation (e.g. see the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey). This is one of the main reasons why many women choose to ride the carousel if they cannot lock down that first man. They’re searching for that deep soul satisfying humility that they experienced with their first (or best). They may find Validation in the short term, and only for a few years at most, but in the long term they usually learn that they cannot trust men. This is because men humbled her, but did not truly love her enough to stick it through. Women err in choosing men who can humble them and give them VS, while they ignore those men who would truly love them enough to commit. Men who can do both are rare and get snatched quickly.
A man might gain sexual authority over a wife with a history of sexperience, but only rarely, and only by the grace of God (e.g. Jack and Scott.)
“Translation: One flesh leads to harmony in marriage.
Sex is God’s design. When we follow His instructions, it leads to sanctification.
I guess that is why I said there is a blessing in our marriage that I cannot define or explain. It is because neither my husband nor I have experienced defilement. For us, sex is entirely sanctified.”
It is a blessing for us to hear your testimony.
Related
- Σ Frame: Sexual Authority (2020-9-30)
- Σ Frame: Zizek – Everyday Sexuality (2020-12-14)
- Christianity and Masculinity: Sexual authority is only for sex and not against sex (2021-10-5)
- Σ Frame: Sexual Authority and Sanctification (2022-8-8)
- Σ Frame: Erotic Blueprints and Personality (2022-10-12)
