I am divorcing after 26 faithful (childless) years of marriage. Managed to avoid the major addictions. No one stole money or property. No physical violence - though the last years have taken an emotional toll on me - it has been essentially sane. I can't honestly point to this incident or that as the proverbial straw - perhaps it was more a lack of attention to the camel - IHDK. I do know the camel is dead and so now the allocation of the straws. It is no small estate - enough to leave us each millionaires after the separating and we remain amicable enough to have avoided attorneys as we follow along with a Pro Se divorce counselor. I have taken a position based on dividing assets so that we both receive as equal a share as possible (we live in a 50/50 marital property state) without incurring unnecessary fees/taxes/penalties on sheltered accounts/assets. To this point it feels from my side of the table my STBXW wants us each to keep our own assets. Seems fair, both ledgers will about balance in total but my portfolio is comprised mainly of real estate and hers mostly cash and retirement vehicles. I can't buy groceries with equity.
These are all details and I feel comfortable with the tools we have to sort all this out - if not even Steven enough so I can get to a point where turning land into cash sense. What guts me is I sense vengeance as a main factor in her negotiations. I threw my share of straws on to the camel's back and so I am not protesting purity on my part - kudos to her for taking it for 26 years. My want is a detente - if even just for this process - that will allow for cool heads on both sides of the table in order to facilitate an equitable uncoupling. In my judgment anger drives her. I struggle not to raise my own emotional state to anger in the presence of anger - in this state I do not operate effectively: poor thought management, poor language management, poor action management. And so I sit mostly quiet in our negotiations with the knowledge that hurt people, hurt people: wondering the extent of my contributions to this state of affairs and how much reasonably should I pay in penitence.
I've lurked on Reddit for years and this is my first post - I think. I don't know what I expected from keying these thoughts into text and so will take the refined angst as its own reward.