I feel like a coward.

My wife of almost 16 yrs has become someone I don't recognize. Long story not so long, we've always had an open marriage. Our sex drives drifted after the first few years of marriage. Hers died for near 10 yrs. For the longest time I thought our dead bedroom was because she didn't desire me. It turned out she was having immense pain from penetration. Then it was a problem because I felt she wasn't doing enough to get it fixed. So since we were open marriage, I got a FWB. Now all needs were met and I thought I was living the best life.

The FWB and I developed feelings for each other. We fell in love. So I kept her at a long distance. My marriage was always first and primary to me. The FWB ended up divorcing and moving over five hours away. That was that.

I was in the military and facing a medical retirement. That caused me IMMENSE depression. I suffer from PTSD and Depression, so this extra burden created a new problem - loss of sex drive. Well as that was happening, my wife was working out. She lost weight, improved vascularity, and her drive came back just in time for mine to be dead. So she got a FWB. That was a disaster. So she got another.

So for the next few months, she begged me to get it fixed. She wanted me "back". She wanted me out of my depression, she wanted me to have my sex drive back. I finally relented. I looked into testosterone levels. They were gone. I started treatment. They worked. I came back after seven months of no libido.

Seven months too late.

She fell in love with him. Instead of keeping him at a distance, she grew closer. She decided that since I had fallen in love with my FWB, that we were now poly. That she was going to keep this snake (and trust me, he is 100% the definition of a spouse poacher) no matter what. When she told me everything she had done with him and how much she needed him, I was hurt and confused. I didn't want her to end it...I wanted us to reconnect. I wanted us to do what she wanted - be fully back! No, she fought harder, grew more selfish. This was back in April.

Every time I got close to pulling the divorce file lever, she would come to the marriage repair table. We'd make progress, then she'd do shit to make things worse. He'd help actually. She'd fall for all his games.

So we got to a point where we started to make really good progress. We hadn't had sex since last November. We tried in June, it didn't work out well.

She wants to go on a trip with him (a trip they planned and paid for but she didn't consult or ask me, hit me with it out of the blue). I said if we don't get better and actually start having sex, then she isn't poly and if she goes on this trip without us getting better, that will be the hard limit. So we started to get better, until it was time to have sex. Then she got "afraid". Then she said she wasn't sure our progress was sincere. That she wasn't sure if she was doing these things to save the marriage or just go on a trip.

So I filled out the online paperwork and got to the payment option. In my State, you can start the process online.

I stared at that "Submit" button for over an hour. I had a panic attack. My heart beat out of my chest. The adrenaline was flowing like a raging river. You'd think someone was pointing a gun at me.

And once again, I just...can't...do it.

We've been in marriage counseling. It obviously isn't working. She acts more like a referee with our disagreements. Not sure what I should expect, but it just doesn't seem to help.

I got my own therapist and restarted therapy for my depression, PTSD, and this situation. She said she would get hers. She hasn't yet.

She's hurt and confused. I get that. During the height of our arguments, I said some pretty rotten shit. I can't apologize and accept that responsibility enough. Still, she holds it like I am the one that committed the high crime.

She doesn't want a divorce. She won't file. I have to be the "quitter".

And after saying all this as nicely as possible, without emotion or bitterness (as much as possible), it is so obvious that filing is the only solution to end this pain, this torment.

And I can't.

I love her. And she's all the family I have left. My son is in the military now and far far far away. That's it for family. I leave her, and I am as alone as alone gets. Anniversary soon, holidays shortly thereafter. And I will have no one. At least by not divorcing I still have a body in the house.

I am not suicidal. I am not self-harming. I can't sleep, but I try. I have no appetite ever, but I eat. I exercise no matter how hard I don't want to. I go out when I'd rather hide in my room (we're in separate rooms too now, btw). Still, when I do drift off for a few hours of sleep - I get so angry when I wake up...because I woke up...still alive.

I have never been like this. I feel so weak and beta. I feel like some kid could kick my ass and take my candy anymore.

And of course, kicking the snake's ass won't save my marriage. And he REALLY needs his ass kicked.

What the hell needs to happen to me to do what needs to be done?

My final fear, on top of all of that, is that I finally get the nerve to do it. I finally break, and I hit that button and feel like I have committed the greatest sin of all - giving up. THEN she gets serious and wants to try to fix it. How the fuck do I live with myself then?

No magic pills. No easy solution. Divorce and be miserable. Stay, and be miserable.

I actually fantasized about packing a bag and driving away. No phone, moving my money to a different bank account (because we've also separated our finances). Just poof - gone. But then reality hits. It's the same as how I feel about divorce.

She thinks if I get a FWB that all my problems with this situation would go away. I'm thinking "WTF - bring ANOTHER person into this shit stew?" I couldn't do that to another human being.

What do I do? What would you do?