I'm (27F) recovering slowly, but surely. In high school I struggled with painfully low self esteem. I had convinced myself I wasn't desirable and that I'd be alone forever.

In my third year of uni I was asked out for the first time. I wasn't attracted to him, but I was ecstatic because someone finally asked me out! We went for coffee. It was so awkward and he talked about his brother the entire time. I never talked to him again even though we had a class together.

Fast forward four years of still pretty low self esteem and no dates. Things were going well with my job, I got a promotion and I'd just started liking myself a little more.

December 2018 - Someone I went to high school with asked me out after bumping into each other at my work. I was excited, I thought he was cute and nice in school. Our first date...drinks. He tried to buy me more than one. I declined because I was driving myself. I was honest saying this was my first time dating. He took that as carte blanche.

We went on more dates over the course of 3 or 4 months. He was my first kiss, on the second date. (I know, but it gets worse). He was also the first time I felt unsafe with a guy as used his size to press me down into the passenger seat and kiss me hard. I was confused and thought I liked it, but didnt understand why I felt claustrophobic. I said nothing. He wanted more that night but I declined. The next morning I realized hed left bruises on my breasts.

We went out again. For dinner and drinks. I went home with him I thought he was my only chance to find love and I thought he was a gentleman. (Yes, I can hear the boos from the audience). There was no transition from gentle touches and light kisses, it was just straight to sex. He knew I was a virgin. We just had oral and it was horrible. I didnt finish and once he got what he wanted he rolled over and went to sleep. I just wanted some kind of connection, instead I just went home the next morning sore.

We went out again. This time to live music where he hardly touched me, and showed more interest in the singer we went to see. The show was good but the company was dull. He was texting someone but was secretive about me seeing. I would have had sex with him that night but his car was broken into while we were at the show. (I'm thankful to that stanger).

We went on another date, where he informed me, to my face, that he was sleeping with other girls. I was livid. He drove me home and that was that, though he messages a few days later that he'd be down to be FWB in the future. Not in a million years.

March 2019 - I went out with a new guy from tinder for a few weeks before he informed me he was still married. He tried to be friends after.

April 2019 - Then I started dating a new guy from tinder and it was a great time. We made supper together, went to movies, went for walks and to the museum. It moved fast, our first date was coffee, we clicked, it turned into making out in my car. We has sex on the third date and it was fantastic. He was both gentle and rough, I didnt know it could feel that good.

We went out for three months. I didnt see the giant banner of a red flag when he went to choke me durring my first time having sex. I told him after I didnt like it and he never did it again. A few weeks later, we were at it again and he sodomized me without asking. I didnt even realize he hadn't asked while it was happening.

June 2019 - On our last date he asked to go without a condom. I knew it was stupid and dangerous. I should have walked out then, especially after having a whole conversation second date about how we'd always use a condom. I didn't, I allowed it. I was lucky my birth control did its job. I had a serious case of pick me.

I liked this guy so much. It wasn't good. It ended when he told me that it could never work with us because he didnt have the desire to cuddle me after sex. I was crushed and confused, for a long time. I thought hed made every indication he liked me. I didnt realize it was just one tiny baby step better than the last garbage relationship I was in.

I didnt know what a relationship should be, and what it should feel like. When I did get a taste of attention I Pickmed hard! Did I learn a lot, yes. Was it a painful learning curve, yes. Will I go back to that? No. It's not worth it. It's not safe and I'm better than that. I only found this sub less than a month ago, but I'm glad I did. My eyes have been opened.