When I was in college, I was hurt by guy who never loved me nor took responsibility for his actions. He cheated and abused me physically — kicking, choking, etc. it took years, but now I am over it.

As someone who is social and deeply empathetic, I try to maintain a certain level of distance yet closeness. It’s hard to explain.

I didn’t date for five years after that relationship.

About a year ago I told myself I needed to face dating so I could learn more about myself and what I need. I learned from a friend years ago that the most efficiently way to find “the one” is to go on a bunch of dates with a bunch of people, say 20. Then to not take them seriously but to find the minimum three traits you desire the most and learn how to end things when needed. After that, you date intentionally for the longterm, and the person who solidly has all of those traits is the one you date longterm and “marry.”

In the last year, I had about 6 short intense relationships and additionally went on dates with ~12 different people. I don’t use dating apps, and have never had a problem with guys asking me out in person (I promise this can happen to you too if you ditch the dating apps and learn to flirt organically with elegance). I had never dated this much and I learned a lot with each person.

I knew I never wanted anything serious, while those I dated were wanting more. Maybe I was being a “fuckgirl” but I was very clear about my desire of pace. When I began to feel the pressure, it lead to abrupt endings and lots of anger on both ends. I learned a lot about myself from those endings. I am actually glad none of those became longterm.

I encourage you to try this. Choose the number of people you plan to date ( ~20-30 ) and date without the intention of longterm. Figure out at least 3 must traits. After that, date until you find the person who had all those 3 traits. Hopefully that is your one.

The 3 traits I really need/like from my experience:

  1. Compassion. I need someone who is understanding and not judgmental of the things I open up about.

  2. Integrity. I really need someone who is open, honest and follows-through. That makes me respect a person, and I want to respect the person I date. I noticed I have not respected anyone I’ve dated because they lack this trait, being fickle. (Trying to figure out why I date fickle people...maybe it’s my previous lack of care/commitment?”

  3. Goofy. I need someone who doesn’t take life too seriously and can laugh with me til our stomachs hurt. I tend to be the only one laughing at myself. I want someone to laugh with me!!

These are things I could have noted before I went through this experience, but consciously experiencing these traits in my dating experience helped me find strong intuition for it and understand the genuine feeling.