This is my noob post, I'm 3 weeks in from discovering MRP. Married two decades, lots o kids, wife is pregs.

Stats: 40, 6'0" 233lb. (Down from 246 in 3 weeks), Need to lose 43lb.

Lifts(1RM): Bench205, Overhead135, Row175, Squat235, Deadlift275

5K: 35 min. (When I started I couldn't run a half mile)

Sidebar: Gorilla Mindset, NMNG, WISNIFG, MMSLP, Pook(60%)

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I can't help but feel beyond disgusted with myself for letting things go on the way they had for so long. I have actively destroyed my life and the wife's life by working my hardest to kill all dread, never do anything that was selfless, and be as submissive as possible. I max out on beta and comfort points which is the only reason we still have anything. In order to spare her the discomfort of jealousy, over time I abandoned all friendships, hobbies, and activities. I even let myself get really fat partly so that she wouldn't have to worry about me (and partly because I gave up and stopped caring.)

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I used to get crazy psycho shit tests every day, but since I've started on the path, she's been eerily calm. If anything, I think she's just grateful that I'm behaving slightly less cringey and repulsive than I've been for as long as she can remember. The closest thing I've gotten to a shit test since I've started is a few very calm comments: "You're being really weird lately." "You've been acting like a big jerk." "You seem possessed.", I think these are the first times I ever heard her speak concerns calmly.

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The weirdest part is that I always thought I didn't have any time, but now I'm working out at least an hour a day and going out to do activities by myself or with some of the kids, whereas before I spent my time feeling butthurt and forcing myself into watching teen mom with wife because I'd convinced myself that it was the noble thing to do, and that if I suffered and whined enough, she would like and respect me. It's been so long since I actually hung out with another guy, that I am still trying to figure out how to have guy friends and a social life. I feel like an idiot reading "Conversation Tactics", but I find I need to because it's been so long since I've had a social life beyond small exchanges. So far I've only managed to go on a few walks with dudes at work, but I've invited an acquaintance to go shooting, so we'll see.

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Sidenote: If you ever want to really see how unattractive your physique is, go to rock climbing gym. Everyone in there was shredded with 10% BF, it was major a wakeup call to be the least attractive person in a room full of a hundred people.

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Following MMSLP, I haven't Ramboed at all, and have kept up most of my comfort and beta qualities. But I have transitioned entirely from covert contracts, expectations, and caretaking to just doing occasionally kind things because she's preggo and a good woman, and she's really put up with a lifetime of me being a faggot. I don't really understand frame at all yet. Right now, I am just trying to figure out who I am, and what I like, and what the new me likes to do for fun. What does resonate with me is Pook's description of worlds. I am funless zombie person with no world. Somewhere along the way I completely murdered my sense of fun.

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So far, the new me is devoted to pushing his limits. I'm seizing every opportunity to move out my comfort zone. I haven't really developed a MAP yet, but in trying I discovered that I was maxed in every beta quality and negative 10 in every alpha quality. The start of my MAP is really just to reclaim my masculine energy by figuring out what fun to be my own person and hang out with guys.

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So on this journey of newfound maleness, I'd like to know what you guys do for fun?