Hey, so I may have posted about this before but I don't remember. Basically, so I got this extremely weird Pure-O OCD (or maybe it's not even that; I don't know what it is but that's what my new psychiatrist says it is) about three years ago. I had to walk the family dog because my mom went on a trip to Peru. When I started, I started worrying that I would get germs from the dirty leash onto my phone, and from that, other people would get my germs, get sick, and then God/the universe would punish me by girls never walking to hook up with me (I know I had absolutely no evidence to support this but it's the "what if" problem, and the fact that I don't have any evidence to disprove this either), and I started freaking out and crying and staying home and praying all the time to get cured, and I couldn't shower properly because I didn't know how much rubbing the soap and all was enough, and that continued until my sister took me to a psychiatrist, put me on medication and it went away completely.

I then started taking college classes again, but then what started killing me was my approach anxiety. I approached a handful of girls, but didn't "close" anything. Then when I came back to my "home" country, (I from the US but we moved to a Latin American country), I hooked up with my ex, which helped a little, then I finished my AA degree, came back again, she didn't want another relationship, then I continued at a local school, and I met a wingman I started going out with occasionally, but what happened was the two new crazy OCD things came up. I don't know if the antipsychotic I was taking caused them, but it's possible. So now what's killing me is two things. I don't remember when exactly they started. The first is that I learned that the numbers 4 and 9 are "bad luck" in some Asian countries, and then there's 13, and then there's numbers that add up to them. I know it's retarded to actually believe they're bad luck, but my thoughts always remind me of the possibility, what if it's actually true (maybe because if a lot of people actually think it's bad luck, maybe it gets a negative energy and it actually becomes bad luck)? There's no evidence for it, but there's none against it, either.

The bad luck I'm so worried about is starting my self-improvement journey, getting disciplined, establishing positive habits, starting to approach women regularly, etc. on a date that has one of those numbers. There are a few other number things that make it extremely hard to choose a "right" date to start. The other problem is that I'm morbidly afraid that God/the universe for whatever reason actually want me to be sexless (although going for the kiss with someone is my main concern right now) for the rest of my life, either to make me suffer in order to deserve heaven/spiritual enlightenment, or any other reason. Again, no evidence for or against, so it's still a "possibility" that it's true. I basically haven't been able to k-close anyone (for free) for two years. I'm currently getting on a new antidepressant that my psych says can get rid of this stuff but it'll take a few weeks to get to the right dose, assuming it even works at all. I'm also getting a therapist on Talkspace. I know this whole post is probably the most retarded thing you've ever read but for some reason I have this stuff, and have no idea how to get rid of it. If absolutely nothing changes during the next few months, I'll have to somehow force myself to just start approaching and going for k-closes, and if I always get rejected, then to just somehow accept it and see escorts for the rest of my life. If any of you somehow have an idea about how I can change this thinking, I'll happy send bitcoin.