Previous 5 years:
I swallowed the red pill 2 years ago without practicing its tenets due to depression. Got burned by an 5 year LTR. She cheated, stole and lied. She was also diagnosed BPD shortly after dumping me (all the shit came out after the breakup), so she really did a number on me. I think I've now crawled out of that hole. And she is now homeless and sucking dick for cocaine. So things karma paid me back.

Recent year:

Got oneitis July last year. HB7 face with an HB10+ body that goes to the gym (I'll admit, that ass still has me somewhat hooked and I've been with other women since). We make our relationship facebook official after two weeks of dating. I crash at a track that same officialising day during a level two class and break my collarbone in three and need screws and plates installed (left a mean lookin' scar). Three months minimum of recoup so I decide to accept her offer to move in across town (75km) so she can take care of me (hindsight? it was a fuckin' mistake, and I got isolated from my bearings and people). We have a mutual breakup, she lost attraction and I couldn't stand her very real daddy issues (Oct). My arm is somewhat healed but I need physio and have many issues that need to be resolved. I move out. She starts riding the CC hard (my ego takes a hit). I continue wallowing in a type of semi depression due to reduced mobility and pain at home during the winter, but we keep contact until approximately month ago where I blocked everything and cut ties abruptly (really good decision, god that feels good now... thanks Rollo).

New job starts in December. Physio also starts in December and I decide I want to start track riding as my full time sport and hobby (without knowing if I'm any good at it). Commit to it by buying the dedicated track bike (D675R 2012) in Janurary. I know I crashed because of poor fitness so I decide to remedy that by the same token and 5lbs lost = 1hp gained. I get a personal trainer and dietitian. Go full keto, start gym slowly with bicycle three times a week (feb). Start lifting 3 times a week one month into the change (march). For the past month I've been at the gym everyday and getting some nice results (june). Went from 225lb 22% BMI to 188lbs 12% BMI at 6'0" since Feburary. I feel like a super hero, I like what I see in the mirror and my track lap times are getting better. Overall, life is taking a turn for the better after almost 10 years of utter shit.

My issue is closing the sales when spinning plates, it feels like the Groundhog Day (1993) movie. I won't give up my bike life. But that hobby is also dominated by men and women with risk seeking issues (you live you learn) so no plates there for me. To compound the problem, I work at a remote northern diamond mine and am gone 14 days at a time and have 14 days off. So I'm missing 6 months out of the year of practice closing (I'm horrible at it to be honest). The isolation from working at a camp, and the very stable routine I've built there makes it easy to train and eat perfectly. But the return to town has me salivating and frothing at the mouth on anything with a pulse every.single.fuckin'.time (ok maybe not anything but HB6+). There are no women (3-5% of the population) on site, and they are not very attractive to say the least (either old, native or fat HB4- on avg.). So when I get back to civilization I feel like a rabid wolf among the sheep, which is even worse now that summer has hit in Canada. And I feel like I'm detrimental to myself because of this (lack of abundance mentality). I have always had the ability to talk to anyone without a problem (even HB10's), at anytime and that has never even phased me, but closing or going in knowing that's what I want doesn't work. I start to return to a normal human being on my second week off. Which is when I return up north again. Hence the feeling of infinite repetition with no carrot in sight.

I also can't drop everything and just go out to meet women everyday, I have a home that I have to take care of, friends to go see, track days to prep for over two provinces. So time constraints are very real. I have put the home up for sale and will be shopping for a condo to free up some time but that might not be this year.

I feel need guidance at this juncture in my journey. How do I eliminate this neediness, and get the abundance mentality I need? And where can I find resources on closing? I feel this is my biggest hurdle.