Hi guys. I've posted about this before but want to see what the new replies say. Basically, I have an (irrational) fear that a higher power doesn't want me to hook up with women because it's sadistic and doesn't want me to be happy (partially because I feel that being truly happy would be too good to be true and there would be no challenge in life). I know this sounds and is very bizzare and that I'm probably the only guy in history who's had this specific fear but here it is. It's comparable to people who are morbidly afraid of rain which apparently does happen. I'm on an antidepressant and two antipsychotics because of it (before I took them I was having near-panic attacks).

I'm doing nofap, run 3x a week two miles, am cutting out bread, and am taking a break from lifting because I have to figure out what to do with my scoliosis. I also stopped listening to dark music. I can't focus on the only class I'm taking. I start reading and all that obsessively repeats in my head is what if I'll never even reach a k-close. I might drop it but depending on how I feel after the replies, maybe I'll become more positive and be willing to finish it.

I'm agnostic and don't know whether to choose Christianity or Hinduism as a religion (karma makes more sense though). Whenever I try to stick to the pomodoro technique and not using the internet, the obsession gets worse and energy levels drop. I can barely read past page 1. Also, due to a suggestion on another post, I bought magnesium so I'll be taking 1000mg of it per day. Hope that helps.

More specifically regarding the gym, since this sub is understandably so serious about it, I started lifting for a month we a person trainer but only used isolation machines because he saw my scoliosis and said I shouldn't use the power rack because I can damage my spine. I didn't want to argue with him so I went with it. I didn't renew the contract though so now I don't know what to do regarding gym. I will get back on it though.

I'd like to do Transformation Mastery by RSD Julien but don't have the money yet. I kind of have an autism spectrum disorder too, diagnosed when I was little, but I'm quite sure I've somehow "grown out" of it, because I have some somewhat close friends and have had fwb's and relationships before my mental health tanked. With my psychologist, we're doing Cognitive Behavior Therapy but the "new thought" exercises haven't been getting to my subconscious. I know what I'm supposed to think (that God/the universe won't prevent me from hooking up) but it's somehow gotten hardwired to my brain and is causing all this anxiety. I could microdose shrooms but don't want to get caught and arrested.

I've read the sidebar like twice and really appreciate any help. Thank you!