I started getting friendly with an out-of-my league attractive woman at the gym. Not only does she turn heads when she walks into a room, but she is incredibly nice and has charisma.

So, needless to say, I was cautious when she started giving me extra attention. I loved the chase, and the flirting, and I kept her interested while allowing her to escalate the situation. We ended up on a few dates, talked about real personal stuff, and she told me what it was about me that really drew her in.

I mean, perfect right? We have real chemistry, and what she loved about me echoed back the vision of who I know myself to be. Certainly not the terrible person my ex-wife made me believe I was.

But the last few days, I’ve started thinking about the one other woman I had that chemistry with - the woman I married. And I’m gutted, because I miss the woman I married. And I miss what we had, and the life we built together. I miss when it was us against the world. And I know that version of her no longer exists, and I know that I can’t stand co-parenting with the woman she became. And I know, that while my core is still me, I’m not the man she married.

But I have this opportunity with a fun, gorgeous woman in front of me. I have no idea what will come of it- but it’s triggered a re-grieving of everything, and I don’t know if I have it in me to continue pursuing this. I know there is no going back to the way things were - those people no longer exist. Why can’t I just accept the gift in front of me? When will I stop the self-sabotage?